Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I had a lightning bolt moment yesterday, a moment of pure clarity that has bought to me a few hard truths.
In a discussion with trainer-man he pointed out that I needed to stop worrying about other people and worry about myself. I balked at the statement and replied that if I worry about myself I will have to deal with my issues, the things that I keep in a box, wrapped with a pretty bow in the back of the cupboard- out of sight, out of mind.
I suppose that in order to let myself succeed I need to sort out the things that I didn't actually realise were causing me to faulter.
The weight loss thing is hard, that's not a secret, and whilst I have dealt with so many things along the way I've never really admitted to myself why I weighed in at 160 kilos. Why I had used and abused my body to the point of destruction.
I believe that the reason I've never wanted to admit it before is because I don't want to lay blame on anyone else, my weight, my eating issues are all my own and I need to own that first. What I have realised recently is that many of my issues are based on the eating expectations and body image subconsciously placed upon me by my grandmother and to a point my own mother, although I am positive it is all from love, care and concern. Growing up all I can remember hearing was references to how much people weigh, how much I weigh, comments on how big I was and what we could do to fix it, questioning why I was eating something and at the same time being forced food and being told I had to clear my plate and I absolutely must, MUST have dessert because that was normal, and it seems I wasn't normal.
I've never put two and two together before but this lead to so much secret eating- eating whole packets of food to hide the evidence that I'd eaten them, so no comment or judgement could be passed. I'd eat everything, even if I didn't want them just to hide that I wanted one- almost making myself believe that I'd never eaten in the first place.
Whats worse, or perhaps sadder is that this is something I will still do now, definitely to a lesser extent, but having the compulsion to hide food is so strong, eating in front of people is something I often have trouble dealing with- I have a constant internal monologue about what other people might be saying, when I know in reality noone is thinking twice about me. If I am home alone I will eat more than I need to hide evidence that I ate anything at all. Such an unhealthy relationship with food.
I suppose realising this and admitting it out loud gives me the opportunity to own it and the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Its time I stopped hiding behind food and embraced a healthy relationship with food, putting into place all the knowledge I have been taught along my weight loss path. Fifty kilos down I now recognise that food is there for survival, but most of all food is there to be enjoyed.
Todays photo a day prompt is hero. I've thought long and hard about hero's and who it is I look up to and admire and I also now believe that I am the person that I needs to be my own hero. I need to learn to love myself, who I am and be proud of everything about me.
It was almost like going through all the stages of grief, I was shocked at my realisation, I felt guilty for rooting my issues back to my own family. I was furious, bone shakingly mad at the random person who commented on my eating habits yesterday, I was so utterly sad at my realisation and putting the whole puzzle together, facing things that I was running from as fast as possible.
Today is a new day though and I am still processing it all but I am feeling so much lighter, I have nothing left to hide behind and I am more than ready for the future.